Not sure if this is the correct forum to post, but here it goes:

1 year.  I can't shake the feeling that part of me lies in the heavens.  Not one small part, but a large part.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have 2 beautiful daughters, and a beautiful son.  Yet, I still wake from time to time, tears welling inside.  I don't show them outside often, for too many people need me to be strong.  Instead, I cover the emotions I feel.  I try to go along as if everything is relatively okay from day-to-day, but still it is not.  The doubt about myself creeps in more and more.  To lose a child is a feeling that a mother and father should never know.  The day Garrett went to heaven, a good part of me died as well.  I sat there, numb, wondering what I ever did so wrong in my life to be challenged like this.  I wish I had that answer.  I am set to have twin daughters in less than 2 months, and I feel so blessed with these coming miracles.  It really is a double-edged sword.  Every pound of enjoyment brings an ounce of pain, as I realize, I shoud be holding my Garrett at this very moment.  Only later to realize, "my God," if I had Garrett, would the twins be coming, and is that fair to them?  It is a tough journey.  One that I struggle with every single day.  While I want to run and hide, ignore it and not let it bother me, I cannot.  While I may appear that way now, it is far from the truth.  I am still extremely hurt inside, a year later and counting.  I am blessed in so many ways in my life, but I wish I had my sweet Garrett with me now and forever.

MissNiss,

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Through my own experience, I can tell you that the first year is the hardest. I remember the first year like it was yesterday. I relived the entire thing, minute by minute. I thought I was going to go insane. If you'd like to talk more, please feel free to email me at bhlore@atlanticbb.net.

Thinking of you and your family.

Hollie

MissNiss -

I forgot to mention, I read the write up in the paper today. It was beautiful, brought tears to my eyes just reading it. You couldn't have chosen more perfect words. I can't wait until the day you announce your twin girls are here. Please keep me posted on how everything is going with your pregnancy.

Hollie

First, Thank You HLore for mentioning MissNiss' dedication in the paper!!  I can go days without picking one up.  

MissNiss...it was beautiful  It takes a strong person to open their heart and soul.  Thank you for sharing with so many of us. 

 Thanks a lot girls.  Yes, it was a very hard day.  I really appreciate all your kind words, as only someone who has gone through this can understand what it truly feels like.  I went to his grave today and  put some things on his headstone, it was so hard.  It feels like we should have been doing a cake and presents in a warm house.  Not standing outside crying in the chilly rain.  Your thoughts and prayers meant a lot.  Hope October finds you well.

I was just reading through these posts again and I read what Agatto wrote about Garrett being your special guardian angel. I wanted to share with you a very special gift I got from a close friend. For my baby shower, she bought a figurine of an angel holding a baby. Inside the box, she included a note that simply stated "may your angel always be his guardian."

On a lighter note, I love the things kids will say. I was talking to my 10 year old niece the other day and commented that I felt horrible because I haven't been to the cemetary to put Ally's and my grandma's flowers out since Michael was born. With the most serious face I've ever seen she said "don't worry, they understand that Michael needs you more right now. And besides, Ally and grandma are in heaven together having fun, they don't need flowers." I just thought that was so sweet of her to say.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

I'm so glad to hear you're having a better day. Its hard to believe, but it does get easier. I used to go to the cemetary everday, and now its been over 5 weeks since I've been there. I've realized that I don't need to go to Ally's grave everday just to be close to her.

Its funny that you mention your dog. My parents had to have their german shepherd put to sleep about a year before Ally died. My nephew, who was only about 3 at the time kept asking where Shadow was. No matter what we told him, he would just keep asking. After Ally died, my niece told him that Shadow was in heaven with Ally and he accepted that answer. He hasn't asked about Shadow since.

My grandma passed away unexpectedly in Feb of 07. Everytime she went past the cemetary she would always say something like "grammy loves you Ally." The night before she passed I had taken her into town to get her prescriptions. We drove past the cemetary on our way home and she said (which I never made a connection to until later) "I love you, grammy will see you soon." And she passed away 12 hours later. My grandma was a christian and I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is in heaven holding Ally right now.

Hi All... I got a little smile when I read your posts regarding the pups and your children.  Our aunt and uncle's cocker spaniel, "Stryder", passed away shortly before we lost Addie.  After Addie's death and as we began to "try" to explain things to Gracie, she asked if Addie was with Stryder.  A few weeks later, I would over hear her talking about the two of them.  Then one night, she told me that Addie was throwing Stryder a ball and they were having a picnic & eating hot dogs together.  I felt a calm come over me and realized that our children may just know things that we don't.  I strongly believe Gracie and Laney have a special connection to their Guardian Angel, especially in their dreams.  I find a lot of comfort in that.  I have come to accept that God needed her and I am very "proud" to have her as our special angel.

Loved your stories!  Keep them coming!

From my heart to yours...

Hi Everyone!! 

Just a reminder that our Pasta Dinner is coming up on Tuesday, October 14.  If you are interested in coming, let me know and I will get tickets to you.  Take Out is also available; however, if you can come dine with us, you can choose your seating whether it be 5:00, 6:00, 7:00 or 8:00.  We are serving everyone rather than having a buffet style dinner.  There will also be a Chinese auction and 50/50 raffles, as well as an Awareness table.

We hope to see you there and have your support!

 It's been two years since we lost Garrett.  I am just thinking of him today, and what he would be doing if he were here.  Wish this still didn't hurt so bad.