Just need ppl who understand... > Our Forum > Addies Gift Foundation, Inc. - Infant Bereavement, Child Loss, Baby Loss, SIDS, Still Born Child, Still Born

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Subject: Just need ppl who understand...

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nessa_rose
Posts:2

03/09/2010 2:23 AM	Alert
Two weeks ago i found out my baby Zoe died inside me because her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I delivered her Febuary 23rd 2010. I have one other daughter who's 3 and feel like i'm a pretty good mom. My boyfriend and I were trying to have a baby when we found out we were pregnant with Zoe. It was one of the happiest days of our lives when we found out we were expecting. Everything went smoothly throughout the entire pregancy. I made all my appoinments, ate right, took care of myself. I was 36 weeks when i delivered her. My due date was march 21st. I've never been through anything so horrible in my life. I remember saying to my boyfriend while I was in labor that I can't believe I have to go through all this pain to give birth to something I couldn't keep. It didn't and still doesn't make sense to me. I don't see how it ever will. My emotions are a rollercoaster and my mind is a mess. I'm at the point where i feel like everyone around me is over it and done grieving except for me and my boyfriend. It makes me feel isolated. Its hard for me to leave the house but i'm starting to feel couped up. I don't want to see people I know and I live in a small town so it's impossible. I cry everyday and find myself hating god, which I know is wrong. But what else can I do when there's no one to blame. The pain hasn't seemed to ease since the day i found out. It just seems like I can hold myself together for longer periods of time each day. I lose patience with my daughter sooner than I used to which kills me. She really has helped keep sane during this whole thing. I think being able to talk to people who have been through this will help some. That's why i'm here.

MissNiss
Posts:28

03/10/2010 2:47 PM	Alert
Nessa Rose, First let me start with how truly sorry I am that you and your boyfriend are going through this completely awful time. My heart breaks for the reason that brought you here. I am so sorry you lost your little Zoe. You are right that you came to the right place for support. Unfortunately, we are all a special group brought together through the worst kind of tragedy...the loss of an infant. I understand completely the guilt you are carrying right now. I lost a little boy at 20 weeks of pregnancy and still have periods of guilt to this day, even though I don't think there was anything I could have done to save him. Please do not feel that it is your fault. You did everything right. I understand also that you feel everyone around you is over it but you and your boyfriend. I felt the exact same way. I felt like no one cared that we had to bury our beloved baby. Some important family members never called to say they were sorry or anything. But now in retrospect, I think they just didn't know what to say to me. I think our loss made people uncomfortable like they didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset me more. But I remember thinking, I sure could use more support than my mother and husband. Please try not to hurt too badly over people's distance. I really think that most don't know how to handle this situation and don't want to risk hurting you more. They probably really feel they are doing the right thing in protecting you. I went through the phase of hating God too. I mean, how could a gracious God take my baby away from me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I eventually got to a place where I decided that our children are really gifts from God. He decides to give them to us and he decides when to take them from us. For whatever reason, God must have felt a larger purpose for our babies than we will ever understand. I felt I had to get to this place with God, if only for my own sanity. It still hurts me to the bone to go to a cemetary to be physically close with my son, even though he is in my heart every second of every day. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible hurt. You are very right in your explanation of holding it together for longer periods of time. This is exactly how it feels. In my case, the pain is always there, somedays are better than others. I have found that dates hit me hard too, like his due date and his death date. These days are hard to force myself out of bed. I wish you longer periods of feeling ok and shorter periods of pain. Every single thing you are feeling is very normal in such a loss. I pray that you can start the healing process and begin dealing with your grief. Going to websites such as this helped me immensely. I have a very close bond with someone I met because of our lost angels. I hope you can find the resources and support to get to feeling back to as close to normal as you can get after going through this. (((((Big Hugs)))) and prayers sent you, your boyfriend, and your daughters way. Anissa

ckathryn
Posts:1

03/11/2010 10:17 AM	Alert
Nessa Rose, I am writing to you on behalf of Addie's Gift Foundation, and the President of the Foundation who is temporarity unavailable. First, let me express my sincere condolences to you and your family. The loss of a baby is such a remarkable tragedy. I'm glad that you are slowly able to hold yourself together for longer periods of time, and that your little daughter is providing you with some comfort. No one can ever be prepared to experience this kind of loss. I second everything that Anissa said in her post, and am really glad that you found this site. The support from other Mom's and Dad's who have experienced similar losses is invaluable. We have a variety of additional resources that we would be glad to share with you, specifically books that have been very helpful to other women in your position. If you are interested, feel free to let me know and I will arrange to get them to you. You can email me at penelopemom@gmail.com any time, or if you would like more information. On behalf of Addie's Gift Foundation, thank you for sharing your story, and we hope you will stay in touch! Sincerely, Kathryn Carlson

nessa_rose
Posts:2

03/13/2010 12:45 AM	Alert
Thank you both for your kind words. It's very nice to talk to people who understand what i'm going through. Each day is a little easier, but some days are worse than most. Today we got the urn back and brought Zoe home. I'm happy she's here but at the same time it's makes this situation harder. I cried as soon as i held the urn at the mortuary and sat with it for a long and cried even harder. I've been staring at it all night and can't stop feeling horrible about everything. But I don't want her going any else. I'm not ready to bring her anywhere else. Not sure if I ever will be. My boyfriend said he's a little concerned that bringing the urn home is gonna have a negative effect on me. He can already see my grief increasing since we got home today. I think I'll be fine in a couple days but I can't be sure. We put a shelf together for Zoe with the urn a picture of her footprints and a pic from her ultrasound when we found we were having a girl. I think it's beautiful.

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