I think it's the same story as so many others...the trying, the hope every month, the money spent on pregnancy tests, the joy of a positive!, the amazing feeling of finally carrying a child,  then to go through the pain of the loss.

This was to be my 4th child.  I was blessed with 3 healthy children and prayed for a 4th. After 2 years of trying, 2 VSG's, laparosocopy to clean out scar tissue around the tubes and many, many prayers, we finally got our 'Positive' pregnancy test.  We were so overjoyed, so thankful. At 6 weeks and no cramping, I didn't really think the spotting that was occuring was anything to worry about.  Then it became more than spotting and off to the ER we went, just to be sure.  Still no pain, but the worry started to creep in.  My first OB appointment was 2 days away, so I was trying to stay positive, that I'd at least get a sneak peek at our little peanut.

They took us in for an ultrasound and as I spoke with the technician, I could see on her face, that something wasn't right.  She ofcourse couldn't answer any questions, and so the tears began. My husband stood looking pale from worry, but was relieved to see the heartbeat, blinking away on the screen.  Our little baby, the one we've prayed for and longed for, was minutes away from being taken away from us and away from the world.  So soon, he or she would be meeting our Lord and Savior, where hugs and love were waiting.  And I was about to be emotionally crushed, my heart would feel completely dark and beyond sad.

Back in an ER room, the OB came in and held my hand, not saying anything and looking at me with a sad face on.  I said No...No....please no.  He said I'm sorry.  It is an ectopic pregnancy, we will need to remove it and the tube.  I remember bursting out in tears, crying out Nooooooooo....I remember them saying they needed to rush me into surgery, for fear the tube would rupture and I could die. I remember my husband pleading with them, isn't there ANYthing you can do to save the baby? ANYthing?  And that hurt worse to hear...everything was such a blur. It seemed like a dream, I felt so cold, so mad.

After surgery, I got plenty of flowers and cards but it didn't matter.  I didn't want to talk about it, to answer peoples questions about it, to hear the 'I'm so sorry's from everybody.  I came in to that hospital with the hope of a healthy baby, and left empty with nothing.  The hospital didn't comfort me, didn't give me any source of healing...no website, no literature on pregnancy loss, no baby blanket to hold, nothing.  I remember being wheeled out and I asked my husband to steal a flower from a vase, that was on the nurses desk.  This wilting rose was the only thing I had to remember my baby by.  

I wish I had known of your website in 2006 when I lost my baby. I've never been able to talk about my experience to anyone, none of my family or friends understand such a loss.  I can't even type this without crying, it still hurts, 3 years later.

To our little peanut, oh honey, Mommy & Daddy love you so very much.  You are always in our thoughts and someday pumpkin, we will meet you in heaven and we will hug you with eager and open arms.